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Name: Sarah
Country: United States
State: Georgia
Birthday: 7/24/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: Life, music, harmoniousness, and not necessarily a combination of the three.
Expertise: Existing as a human being and yet remaining individual unto myself. (I think that's the only one I've conquered, per se, but we'll see how that changes with time.)
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  queenrocksyah
Member Since:
9/30/2005
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| A note:
After shutting down this piece of crap, there will be a blog for updates from me available for the faculty and staff and students and ... anyone else who really wants to know what I'm up to. Yeah. Tomorrow is the last day. Good riddance.
This is it.
Choose wisely.
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| Oh. And today's my birthday. Cheers. | | |
| I'm not gonna take it too much longer.
If you're wondering what the hell I'm referencing, you shouldn't worry. (Not too much, anyway.) I've got a mountain of letters to write and a few phone calls to make and a job to get. :sigh: ... Fine, I'll go ahead.
This is my birthday gift (of sorts) to you Shorter people, and some of it may come as a little bit of a shock. I can tell you not to worry or fear, but in truth, I should allow you to do exactly what happens. Just keep listening to God.
Okay. The deal is, next semester I'm going to ASU (that's our hometown university) so I can get a handle on myself, and from that point on, I will have to make my own decisions as to whether I return to Shorter or go elsewhere. This is a personal choice, and all of you (reading this) should know that your actions have not directly been the cause of it. I have needed to find the place in my life where I could start over as my own person, and I've finally been given the time, space, and ability to rebuild myself into the person that God had intended me to be from the very beginning.
Yes, I fell apart when I came home. Yes, I almost lost it at Disney (several times) and yes, it was very painful to think that this could be the very last I saw of all of you. But God hasn't told me that such a decision is yet at the appropriate time to be made. I have been recuperating (if that's a good word for it, and I think it is) and going to therapy and taking antidepressants, and I've figured out that, in short, I've been depressed for a very long time. Far longer than I think any of you would've expected, but it became a rather easy guess once I sat down and took a good look at myself.
What can I say now? I feel like a much better person. I actually feel like I am a person. I will say that it's somewhat difficult living with my parents and family when they really didn't expect me to come home in bad shape, much less stay for a longer time than either of us had planned. It is difficult trying to be an adult with people that have thought of me as a child for a long time, but it's something that isn't unexpected. (My therapist is walking me through it. She's wonderful.) And in ways that only I can understand, God has blessed me tremendously by letting me hit my lowest point and providing for some mental restoration.
I am becoming well. It's encouraging. And I hate the thought that relapses do hit very hard and very suddenly, but it's something I'll have to learn to handle. And if I hadn't been careful, in three years or so I could've been in the same place as Shadow. Sobering thought.
So what does this have in store for all of you? Hmm. Essentially this: I won't be back for the opera (I'm writing Dr. Weiler a letter), I won't be back for Chorale (same for Dr. Shaw), and ... yeah. Pretty much what it entails. But to you that I've thought need something from my mind (via my hands), here. My last straw.
- Phillip: You are, without a doubt, a motherfucking idiot. :laughs: And I don't care if you delete me from your Xanga subscription lists (surprised that you haven't already), remove me from any friends list you have, burn the letter or the copy of Dante's Inferno -- I just don't care what it is you do. You should read this and then commence the bonfire party: I thought of you as a close friend, and I appreciate the fact that you were there for the time you gave me. You were (now that I think of it) like the brother I would've had, had my mom not miscarried before having me. And I hope you find something that really makes you happy, you gokiburi.
- Pearson: You know exactly how to contact me. And I hope you do. God bless, and keep in touch.
- Andrew: Come back. Update your stinking profile picture, and tell me one more time that you love me. I hope your summer is going well, and you know that you can call whenever you want. (Actually, email goes faster.) And ... well, I love you too.
- Laura/Dennis/opera cast: I hate to bail, but this is for the sake of my sanity. I know you're all capable enough to do fabulously without my stereotypical ass (heh), and if I get the chance, I might come see it. If. It's a big word, if. (If not, I might just arrange some stuff. We'll see.) You know I love you all.
- NM: Well, you're not on Xanga anymore, but I'm pretty sure someone will show you this. Keep asking questions, keep moving forward, and keep expanding and broadening your horizons. Never limit yourself by conventional wisdom. Read like a maniac and write like one too, since I know you can. And do not doubt yourself. I have made that mistake one too many times, and I know that it is not in the manner of Christ. Keep growing. And go on.
- Everyone else: I won't apologise. I have made my choices, and here I go. Now, it is your turn to choose. Choose wisely.
And this post (along with the Xanga) will be up until the 300th day. (That's ... um ... Wednesday or Thursday.)
Do not go gentle into that good night, kids. Carry a fucking candle and matches.
All of my love to you.
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| Schwaka-waka-waka. Time for a shower.
And I looooove Rufus Wainwright.
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| Mmm. A few little things you should know:
The LCD screen on my phone is broken (ick) to the point where if I tried to receive incoming text messages, check my missed calls list, or do anything that actually involves my having to look at the screen to figure out what's going on, then I'm simply screwed. Yeah, I can dial numbers and receive calls (wahoo, mothafuckas), but that's about it. So don't be surprised if I never respond to a text message. Updates as to me getting a new phone depend on if it's still under warranty (and the model is so damn old that I'm curious as to whether it is or not). Suckage.
For that matter ... I may not be answering calls at all. Emails warrant a more likely response.
This thing (the Xanga) is getting boring as shit. The only reason I update at all is because I find the time (and the only reason I still keep this up is so that I can see how everyone else is). Might not shut it down yet, but that's debatable, like all other things.
Everything else around here is relatively stable, I'm pleased to say. (Including myself. That's a plus.)
And for now, the only thing I really want is to fucking fall asleep already. :sigh: Geez. What does it take? (I think I should go find some Lunesta or something ... I know we've got pills for just about everything in this house.) Tsukareta.
And to everybody else: Ganbatte.
Owari. (The end.)
 | Currently Listening
Wig in a Box
By Various Artists
(More like a random selection of songs on my iTunes ... weekly free downloads are the best.)
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